Today.

I want my coffee hot. I hate my coffee with too much cream. I want to have money. I hate not having money. I want to leave NY. I’m too tired to pack and move around. I hate feeling like I’m living out of a suitcase. I miss home. Yet, I don’t want to be home. I want to graduate.. now. I want a job. I want a job that people know I’ve worked so hard for. I want love. I don’t want love. I need a job. yeah I know I’ve already said that one…

I want Today to be a good day. Out of everything I hate, want, admire. cherish and working for… I don’t want to worry about these things today.  Tomorrow, maybe. But not right now. I want a quiet mind. I want to relax and take in every minute of my today-yeah.. that’s what I want today.

So much in such little time..

When the day I had to pack up all my things from school into my little white car was the day I promised myself I’d be selfish for the summer-my summer. For as long as I can remember I have always felt the need to take care of someone, or worry about being on time for one or more jobs.. and all the while giving all my love and care towards my friends and family.  Well, for once.. driving out of Cazenovia, to begin my summer, I felt lighter knowing it is.. and will be just me for a few months. I didn’t know my adventures on paper, and experiences I had forgotten I use to love when I was a little girl would come to me again..being older.

Virginia has brought me back twice already.  Once for a wedding in late May to a very good friend of mine, Tiffany. It was exciting for me since I had never been to a wedding that I could personally recall ( I was a flower girl once and rode in the limo).  Being able to be there for Tiffany and Derek was a blessing in its self. I have been able to grow so much closer to both of them this year.  Derek is a wonderful young man who has many things going for him and his beautiful wife Tiffany. I wish them all the happiness!!!  Besides that, I was able to go to CFO in Shrine Mont and I told myself  ”Cait, You will do EVERYTHING this year at camp!” And I did. I actually never did so much while I’ve been there for the whole week before! I made it to the top of North Mountain which averaged to be a six mile hike. I also got up every morning to run and walk and really take in the beautiful atmosphere of the Virginian Mountains.  Another thing that I did which actually was not planned on my agenda was the Bishop 5K! Truthfully, my goal and only goal was to make it still breathing across the finish line. I surprised myself by being able to run all of it to the end. I have found that it is not even the middle of the summer yet and I have stuck with my promise to be selfish. 

To this day I can look back and see how much I have been through, accomplished, and still pushing through to overcome. Somethings I still don’t have answers for.  I feel like my questions never stop each and everyday, that they are still overriding the top once in a while. But I can honestly say I am finally starting to feel relieved in knowing I can do anything. By having this time for myself to do the things that have made me happy even as a child.  

To me, I can finally breathe and say, “It’s all coming back”.

I think too hard on things..

Ever since I can remember people have always pointed out that I think too hard on things… or that I should just leave certain situations alone.  Easier said then done I guess.  I hate feeling like a conversation is left half unsaid especially if the person I am talking to means a lot to me. Personally, for me I find it normal to stay up late, and think over situations wishing I had said something differently (or to not have said anything at all). I admit for such a long time i have been scared of how people perceive me.  However, slowly I am learning that is life. 

 Below is one fine example of the way I sometimes feel when I’ve tried to express something, or give input or just let someone I care about know what I’ve been thinking..

One day not too long ago I was terribly fed up with a situation and out of exhaustion of trying to find the right words, the right sound of my voice, and  how to make my jumbled sentences be well, not such a jumbled mess (resulting from my constant thoughts bouncing around in my head) I just blurted out,  ”I AM A FUN GIRL!!!” and without explaining my action of craziness my mother looked at me like her daughter was on some kind of drug and started laughing. I want to be able to explain myself.. and I try so hard. But lately I feel it hasn’t been good enough.  

Dealing with relationships.. I honestly don’t know where to begin.  I can say I’ve been burt,and trust at one point I never had to worry about. Now I feel I have to start all over again in that department. And all the while, how the hell do I start all over? By being the age that I am (which is pretty young) and to say I have been in a four year relationship with somebody which I know not too may people have had it’s just so damn hard to start over.. and literally begin over like a new book. Thank God my friends are a true blessing. They keep me where I should be…  

So to sum this up, I’m a mess.. but it’s a beautiful one.

I want a direction to call my own.

So much has happened through out these past few months.  I have gotten over a lot of things and I feel, finally

rested and relieved. I wish a lot of things had turned out differently such as SCAD. and how I had loved the school, but found  the timing was off.  While so many things have been feeling like they’ve been caving in-needing to get done like my college’s Fashion Show coming up. For spring break I was at my most favorite place in the world, South Carolina with a friend brittany. I am truly blessed for getting the opportunity to meet her and become a lot closer than we were in crew.  I love her! But I was able to relax for a few days and think a lot about what my future plans should be for school.

I feel God was pointing me to go to Georgia. When I got my letter of acceptance it didn’t really soak in that I had a new opportunity down the road.  When I went to visit I fell in love- the buildings, people, cultures, area.. the total atmosphere was what I dreamed a school should be like.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Cazenovia, and my family of friends will be everlasting. But I am craving for a bigger “push”.  I want to be challenged.  I want to know after my college career that I got the most out of my four years! I am only a sophmore, but I have nothing else to step back on to.  I might as well just keep going.  I will get to where I want to be someday.  Someday I will have what I am looking for.

until then…  I’ll be a Rockstar.

“Who can say when they will dance again…”

“I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far-I will find you.”

-Nathaniel to Cora in The Last Of The Mohicans

One of my most favorite memories when I was a little girl was to be read to. I would sit, and as young as I was I would try to soak up the entire fairytale. And  with being so young I didn’t really know why the princes climbed up long blond hair, or why pebbles were thrown to the highest room, and how sleeping beauty found that abandoned , old spinning wheel. But even being as young as I was I had that feeling of wanting… maybe not love at that specific time.. but something.  Maybe it had something to do with why as young girls we would tease that one boy on the playground every day at that same hour?.. Knowing we wanted that feeling of being irresistible enough to be chased after?  I know it must be the hopeless romantic in me. Growing up to be a young woman in the 21st century has molded us to be strong, independent individuals. It seems women are almost looked down upon by putting too much faith in love, and to want that “fairytale” love so many of us women secretly pray for. Maybe this one kind of head-rush, above the clouds kind of love  is frowned upon by our society because of too much rusted heartache, and by broken dreams that would have once held together two people so tightly.

“We think you’ll find that every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things:to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That’s what makes a woman come alive.”-Passage from Captivating

Gypsie Soul

If you had the opportunity to travel anywhere you’d like where would it be? Would you be able to say “yes” to go to your anywhere? To put aside your busy life whether it may be school, work, and/or relationships to go to your anywhere? Maybe you would choose the mountains, over the ocean. Or go to the land of Hollywood stars and palm trees. I find traveling exhilarating! It would be by going across the country to across the world. When I was little it was common to go to the beaches down the coast, and to ski up in the mountains. I have to admit,to this day I still turn my knuckles blue from flying, but I would go anywhere to say I had a moment I could cherish. To me, as I have gotten older instead of just the places I have been it is all about the people I have had the privilege to meet, the conferences, and schools I have been to. Everything about where I have gone has been amazing.

I feel as we get older and stronger in certain situations we realize how much is really out there that we haven’t discovered.  In high school I would skim through the pages of my social studies book looking at the (outdated) pictures of islands and countries,  and the readings about the different foods, and entertainment. I was that one small girl, in that one small town with perfectly made out plans I thought were down to key. But now when I look back at everything, all my experiences, all my mistakes, my beliefs, and faith, I can truly say I am blessed for how my life is turning out. I guess I can say my trip will be starting this summer in Ohio. I am so stoked for what is in store for me.

For those who know me I love country music (this little story isn’t exactly about my travels).  I’m one of those people who at school, changes the bathroom radio to the country music station (which never seems to last through a afternoon). I will never forget the summer I got “hooked”. I remember exactly what I was doing, where I was, who I was with, and what I was feeling when I was just hanging out listening to for example….. Brooks and Dunn “Red Dirt Road”. I want to witness experiences like that again. I want to be somewhere new, and exciting to have a good feeling of knowing I will remember something wonderful in my life.

So.. when will your trip be starting?